im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
