M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
