I can't breathe out the right side of my face
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
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