the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?