How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.