Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.