The maid of honor just puked.
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Randomize
