This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
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