just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
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