sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Randomize
