my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Randomize
