We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Randomize
