so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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