I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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