we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
