i permit you to call me
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
