I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
