Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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