so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
