so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
