I wish I could teleport
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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