did you get engaged???
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
