Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
