So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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