I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
