I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
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Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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