Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
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