then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
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