I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Randomize
