Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
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And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
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Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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