anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
