anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
