I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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