she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Randomize
