Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
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Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
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And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
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