I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
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