At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
