just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
my poor anus
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Randomize
