Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
