I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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