yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
is it fun? or sober?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
