It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Randomize
