Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
