girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
