Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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