Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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