just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
