i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
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They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
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I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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