fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
