I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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