i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
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