Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
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