My entire life is one complicated drinking game
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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