Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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