I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Randomize
