so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Randomize
