shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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