Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
