i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
stop calling my apartment porn island.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
