census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
