I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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