I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
