Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
