my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
